It’s a well established fact that I know next to nothing about Superman. Which is a bummer, seeing how it’s Superman week on our corner of the internet. My lack of Superman knowledge seems a little rude, a pinch disrespectful, to the muscular man in blue spandex. Righting this wrong, and speedily, is obviously required. Clearly, the only path to Superman-fuelled learning is a heavily researched (Googled) week of being Superman – giving some of his signature moves, iconic elements, and favorite things a shot over seven days. Plus, method acting is totally my thing, so I knew I would excel at this.
It’s important to ease in to demanding projects and this week certainly counts as a arduous undertaking. So, I turn to my usual method of beginning to focus/procrastinating: I paint my nails.
I wonder if Lois paints her nails Superman’s colours? Is this potentially something Superman finds alluring? Is it a boy trapping tactic? I make an important mental note to carefully monitor any cute boys I want to charm/facebook creep/mildly stalk in the future for their preferred color scheme. And then wear it on my nails.
Does Superman ever get naked for us? Unclear. But, I’m pretty certain that the guy has major abs. So logic follows that he got totally ripped from doing the Superman ab exercise. I mean, it bears his name and his signature flying action. He must do it daily. So I did it one day. Since it hurt, and I like sharing pain, how about you lie down on your belly right now. Stretch all of your arms and legs straight out ahead and behind you. So you are one straight line. Then, lift your arms and legs up. Up as in above your shoulders and a bit above your bum. AND HOLD THEM THERE. For like, 30 seconds to start. Then a minute. Then another minute. Then 90 seconds. Feel the searing pain in your abdominal area; wonder if it hurts Superman when he flies, as this is the universal human-flying position he likely utilizes. I decide it must both cause Superman pain and give him killer abs. I feel both jealousy and respect for Superman right now.
A little Googling tells me that Superman gets his power from the sun. Well. This is good news, because I also get power from the sun. Tanning is one of my most favorite activities. Clearly, the only appropriate choice here is to spend the day tanning. Even though it’s only a balmy 21°C out, it has to be done. It feels spectacular. I feel all energized and warm and ready to hop up and tackle somebody at the teeniest tinkle of a bell. I imagine Superman feels the same. I wonder if Superman wears sunscreen? I bet Lois makes him wear SPF 60. Sun safety is so critical. Good work Lois.
After spending more time wading through the 34,700,000 sites that pop up when I Google “Superman’s hobbies and favorite things” (my Google skills are outrageous) – the first result of which is “what is Harry Style’s favorite hobbies”, which fills me with absolutely no hope for grammar in the future – I find that Superman quite enjoys a good PB & J sandwich. Choosing to read the “J” as jam instead of jelly, as the consistency of jelly is troubling, and the “sandwich” as toast, because that lops off calories, I get to work whipping up a meal. It is important to note that I never eat PB & J. Ever. I loathed it as a child. So today, I am taking this Superman article seriously. Major sacrifices for blogging integrity right now. I note that peanut butter is very sticky. And jam is very blobby. It takes me 3 knives to properly adorn my toast with toppings. It is peanuty viscous in my mouth. There is melty peanut butter rolling off my toast, which I have to rush to catch in my mouth – totally unacceptable. The jam just hangs around through all of this, plopped on top, exactly where I put it. The jam is far more cooperative than the peanut butter in this situation. I tackle the toast; it’s moderately tasty. I have peanut butter residue everywhere when I finish. How do people eat this for breakfast? Do they eat it before they shower, because I basically need to power wash myself off after this.
When Superman was a baby superhero, did he draw up his own logo? It’s pretty complicated. I would know – I drew about 80 billion of them while trying to become a master Superman logo artist.
Did his Mom sew him his first ever spandex onesie super suit? Where does he get them now? How many sets of his signature outfit does he have? They must get ripped and stretched and peed on and covered in villain boogers, so if he cares at all about hygiene or fashion, which he obviously does since he ditched his belt when it went off-trend, he must have a closet stuffed full of spandex bodysuits. Where does he get them? Does he have an Edna? How did he find his Edna? Can I get an Edna please? My daily fashion deliberation session (which color Lulus should I wear?) would become far more streamlined (also, much more gadgety. Edna types can sneak shrink rays and time machines and chapstick into any outfit).
Basically everybody knows that Superman accessorizes with a cape – it’s iconic. So, I need to wear a cape. Since I don’t know what material proper capes are made out of, and even if I did, I don’t have the sewing skills to whip one up, I tie a blanket around my neck. Spoiler: the cape doesn’t last long. First, I can’t even breathe; my cape is squashing my trachea. I think Superman has ties for his cape or it directly attaches to his back, and I see why. Breathing is key. Also, my cape is heavy. I note that Superman’s cape is likely not a down-filled blanket. I’m exhausted from this process already, so I sit down. Conveniently, (as has already been noted extensively) my cape is also a blanket. And a warm blanket. And, when I sit, it doesn’t choke me. I settle in on the couch for a nap, wrapped in my warm cape. I wonder if Superman knows about the snoozing convenience factor of capes?
I am putting my 6 years of higher education to such excellent use in writing this article. This fills me with research-fuelled joy. And journalist integrity and all that. So anyways. The internet tells me that Superman adores soft pretzels. He also likes to dip his pretzels in mustard. This is good news, because my inner ambitious home chef has been wanting to whip up some soft pretzels for ages. Major curveball: I hate little, hard pretzels. They are in my top 10 least favorite things to eat. So, homemade soft pretzels better perform in a mega way. This recipe and I get to work. We learn that the ideal pretzel shape is hard to achieve. As in impossible. But, Superman perseveres, so I do too. I also devour 6 of the 8 finished pretzels (Superman never said anything about sharing).
Soft pretzels are beyond delicious. I was doubting Superman’s culinary chops with the PB & J, but he has redeemed himself with pretzels. They are carb goodness piled on carb goodness topped with salt. It is clear that soft pretzels are never the wrong answer.
Thanks Superman. This week was filled with major life lessons. Especially the PB & J and cape situations: learning, learning, learning all around.
Superman, whenever you want to reciprocate this and have a week of Nicole training, just let me know. I’ll bring soft pretzels.
It’s Like I Have ESPN or Something – Irving
I have no idea where to begin. When Nicole told me how she was contributing to Superman week on our blog I thought it’d be best to leave her to form her own impressions. After reading through her adventures with understanding Supes, I say without a doubt no one else has attempted these things to understand the character. Most people would opt for a comic, a movie, a television show, or even an eight hour Wikipedia session. Not Nicole, instead she decides to take elements of Superman and play with them in real life. While her activities may be scoffed at by hardcore fanboys/girls I’m sure they’ve never tried to do a set of the Superman ab exercise.
Sure I could’ve assigned her Superman homework but what’s the fun in that? She’s already reading the 5000 words I’m writing about Superman this week. What’s wrong with painting nails, tanning, doing ab exercises, wearing a blanket as a cape, drawing the perfect Superman symbol, and eating his favourite foods? Anyone can go and read a comic or watch a movie. It takes a different type of person to dedicate a daily activity for a week to understand a character.