It’s one of life’s great questions. It’s right up there with ‘what shape is the sky?, ‘why is Tuesday night wine frowned upon?’, and ‘why does nail polish always have to chip?’. It’s profound. It’s major. This is life changing stuff right here.
Are you a Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, or Miranda?
Crucial, right? You’ve been asked this before. Don’t lie. You’ve thought about it. You know which one you are. You might not like the answer, but you know. You might be living in the “I’m-so-Carrie-not-at-all-Samantha” world of denial, but you are well aware of the situation.
Hey, all you boys running away. I see you. Stop that. Put on your big boy pants and tough it out. Consider this your Sex and the City education, hockey style.
First. If you are one of the approximately 7 boys (worldwide) who haven’t ever seen an episode of Sex and the City, you need to watch this immediately. And if you’ve seen SATC 9 trillion times, watch it again. Try not to smile. Dare you.
Also, don’t you secretly wish a boy would post it note dump you? I would love that. It’s so chic and dramatic, and totally fuels my office supply obsession.
Moving on. Seeing how this extremely profound question comes up for debate any time anyone of the female persuasion enjoys more than 1 glass of wine, it seems highly important to put this query to NHL teams. I mean, it feels absolutely crucial to know who’s a Samantha versus a Charlotte. It’s totally logical. I can’t confirm that this question hasn’t already been a rich topic of dressing room discussion. Perhaps it is bantered around during pregame warmups. I mean, Gary and Bill Daly obviously played a lot of MASH during October and November, so maybe they already have a SATC player matrix hanging in head office. Who am I to know such things?
Alas. This gets real, now. I’ll run the (highly technical and fictional Nicole-made up) Carrie/Charlotte/Samantha/Miranda test on the Oilers, the Canucks, the Leafs, and the entire rest of the NHL. Why those teams? It’s the Oilers, I’m stuck watching endless Canucks highlights since I only get Sportsnet Pacific, it doesn’t feel right to leave out a chance to chuckle at the Leafs, and sharing is caring – we need to have a league wide Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda.
Yes, I am leaving the male characters out of this. Why? Aleksandr Petrovsky and Richard are just yucky. And let’s be real – every NHL player already sees themselves as a combination of Mr. Big and Smith. No surprises there.
Carrie: Taylor Hall
Hall beaks his teammates like nobody’s business. Hello, Carrie. I mean, solid friend material, but if Eberle goes and does a Charlotte-style poohkeepsie, you can be sure he’s never hearing the end of it. None of us are. I can only anticipate the solid gold that hashtag will be. Hall also has the whole love-related Carrie cynicism going. And the inadvertent sexual innuendo? So Carrie.
Charlotte: Ryan Nugent Hopkins
Based entirely on his very handsome baby face, RNH plays off as good hearted, romantic, and slightly naïve . He’s a little reserved, but he knows he’s got great stuff on offer. I’d imagine he sits in the corner at bars until a good two-step comes on, at which point he hits the D-Floor and wows the ladies. After battling through the icky girls that likely swarm him, he, like Charlotte, will end up cheek-to-cheek with an adorable, polite, mature, and charming brunette (I’m assuming that before he went bald, Harry had a head of brown hair).
Samantha: Nail Yakupov
Did you see the celebration? This man is straight up passion. And he tweets the confident quadruple-chin smiley like no other man I know. That moxie, that swagger – of course he walks into a bar and owns it (and seeing how it’s in Edmonton, he’s probably running Knoxvilles or the Ranch. Classy). Plus, he’s got the whole foreign language angle to work with. There’s endless ‘can you show me?’ potential there.
Miranda: Sam Gagner
Gagner means business. He’s the one with lawyer-like maturity in this group. Like Miranda, sometimes things don’t always work out speedily for him. His Twitter verification saga echoes the whole Miranda-Steve thing. It wasn’t efficient and it wasn’t when the rest of the world figured things out, but it happened eventually. Also, this really sealed his fate as Miranda. Business savy and a lifetime supply of Nutella pizza for emotional eating? Miranda.
Carrie: Ryan Kesler
When he’s gone, the team manages to keep functioning. But it’s not the same. Every friendship/Stanley Cup contender needs glue. He’s the Bauer-not-couture-wearing stuff that makes it work. Plus, he walks around Yaletown and if Carrie was ever in Vancouver, she would adore Yaletown. And he takes pictures like this. Carrie appreciates a good play on words. See: every column she ever wrote.
Charlotte: Alex Burrows
Now. You should know I spent a lot of time debating this one. Burrows nudged out both Sedins by a hair, only because of the amount of time he spends retweeting people. If Charlotte had Twitter, she’d be a chronic retweeter. He has the same balance of people-pleasing-but-I’ll-scream-at-you-and-curse-the-day-you-were-born inner rage that Charlotte has. He’s also a vegetarian, which matches Charlotte’s hyper-sensitive, mega healthy neuroses bang on (and also her whole becoming Jewish for Harry thing). Plus, Charlotte is traditional and Burrows trademark hockey is pure throwback grinder.
Samantha: Zack Kassian
Kassian. Confidence. Coincidence? No. He was supposed to be a development player. But then wait, what? He’s third in league scoring? So Samantha. He’s all, ‘whatever NHL. I’ll show you what to do with your expectations and trades. Watch me show you how it’s done’. Plus, he’s 22, ruggedly attractive, and ripping up the league. The man never has to wait in line at a bar in Van. He just walks through the door and magic happens.
Miranda: Kevin Bieksa
He’s responsible, stubborn, and tough. And his domestic diva Pottery Barn skills are lacking. Miranda hates domesticity. He’s political, charitable, hits work at 6:15am, and enjoys highly sarcastic and mildly judgemental people watching. Plus, he rocks uruly, reddish hair like nobody’s business.
Toronto Maple Leafs
Carrie: Joffrey Lupul
He has a blog, which is basically the same as Carrie’s column. It has the same honest humility and uncertainty that Carrie always threw out to the world – the only difference is Lupul’s blog about finding hockey love in Russia, not man love in New York. He also goes skating late at night (on what I can only assume is a date). And, he has solo wine bonding time. Carrie through and through.
Charlotte: Ben Scrivens
He graduated from Cornell – major pedigree. His Twitter feed is packed full of congratulatory texts, which are basically identical to the thank you cards Charlotte sends after a dinner party. And, he’s married. And already has an excellent handle on the secrets to a harmonious, long lasting marriage.
Samantha: Dion Phaneuf
He’s marrying Elisha Cuthbert. He’s clearly doing something right.
Miranda: Tyler Bozak
He loves Chipotle. Miranda loves Chinese takeout. I wonder if he is on a first name basis with the staff at Chipotle? He clearly has mega respect for a lovely, dedicated grandma type, just like Miranda and Magda. Also, he like weddings because of the bachelor party. Using marriage as an excuse to drink some feelings and have excellent friend times? Miranda.
The Whole Rest of the NHL
Carrie: Claude Giroux
Now. It would have been easy to go for the cop-out argument here, and pull the Crosby or Ovechkin straw, stating they are the face of the league and Carrie is the face of Sex and the City. But that’s weak. Claude Giroux is the Carrie Bradshaw of the NHL. He clearly has an excellent vocabulary. If you swap boys for girls, everything in this tweet is extremely Carrie. It’s a little skeptical, very sarcastic, more than a little goofy, mucho boozy, and gives a nod to flirting with good looking people. And, it might just be me, but this tweet totally has the same sentiment as ‘when Big colors, he rarely stays within the lines’. Plus, Giroux doesn’t come from a hockey fairytale background, nor does Carrie spring from a long line of happy stories. Giroux was drafted 22nd overall and 6 years later he has developed into something major. That’s vintage Carrie- it’s messy, but you hold out, and things turn your way. And, he’s on the cover of NHL ’13 – he has the cop-out argument covered too.
Charlotte: PK Subban
This was a toss up between Subban and Iginla. It goes to PK. Subban is a romantic, an idealist. Charlotte held out for Harry, her well-bred, educated, honest, handsome man. PK held out for a loaded long term-contract. It’s really the effort that counts here, not the outcome. A major criticism of Charlotte: naivety. PK also hits every day with eternal optimism. It means he’s passionate, electrifying, and personable – and also dead stubborn. PK also loves kiddos and he’s a huge family man.
Samantha: Paul Bissonnette
This is so obvious, I almost wanted to pick someone else. But then, like journalistic honesty got in the way? So Paul, live it up. You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? You’ve earned this honour, my friend. Wheel on, you crazy man.
Miranda: Pavel Datsyuk
Imagine. Game 7, tied game, 2 minutes left, Datsyuk on a breakaway. Miranda staring down a misogynistic, pretentious male defendant. It’s the same stare – steely, devoted, and deadly. Don’t get in Datsyuk’s way. This man has enough ambition to take out entire NHL teams and undress the league’s best tenders. He’s direct and focused. His Twitter is about hockey, just hockey. Miranda and Datsyuk are straight business and they don’t lose without a mega fight. Ever.
Me? I’m a Charlotte-Carrie; when it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?
It’s Like I Have ESPN or Something – Irving Chong
My initial thoughts after reading this post in no particular order: I am one of the seven boys Nicole mentioned who has never seen an episode of Sex and the City, I am not 100% sure but I feel like Nicole wrote most of this post from memory, she had way too much fun writing this, and she is locking up our girl demographic.
I asked Nicole what inspired her to write this, she replied with one word, “Wine.” She also explained to me that, “It’s a girl thing.” Has there ever been a phrase that shot down any argument quicker for a guy than those four words? It’s like the velvet ropes of arguments. We have the physical strength to cross that barrier (in this case asking for an explanation) but we do not have the emotional strength.
Will Nicole attempt to make me watch Sex and the City now? I don’t think so, but I’m sure if she made me I’d make her watch Star Wars. Yes, she hasn’t seen it. Although I’m sure I’d watch Sex and the City before she’d watch Star Wars. If I asked her why I had to watch her thing but she wouldn’t watch mine I know how’d she respond, “It’s a girl thing.”